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Liar Liar
Sam's got hold of the un-edited Ministry documentary about Abel. It's as terrible as expected Cast * Ian Golightly * Amelia Spens * Veronica McShell * Jamie Skeet Plot Don't Insult Your Audience Ian prepares for his big debut in a tell-all radio documentary, but as this is a rough cut Peter's acquired, you can hear all Ian's lovely little asides still left in there. Cut Here The first section of this documentary warns about that dangerous menace to society... Sam Yao. Or, as Ian exclusively reveals, 'Jerry', notorious head of Netrophil. And Now, A Musical Break As a trustworthy member of the community, Amelia Spens has been drafted into this project as a character witness for Janine 'architect of the zombie plague' DeLuca. Exactly What They're Like Next up it's Phil and Zoe's time in the spotlight. Ian reveals how they were used as a distraction from the anti-government propaganda people were being fed over the radio. Read Between The Lines It seems Ian had a bit of trouble getting the truth out of Veronica, but after a little sound engineering magic Viv stitches together a usable clip. Just Be A Sec To finish the documentary all the stops are pulled out, with none other than King Jamie's testimony. He's a little reluctant to tell all though, so Ian helps to persuade him. Minister Will Be SO Pleased Jamie still can't quite bring himself to read his statement, but Ian's got what he needed and the documentary's sounding good. That's a wrap. S05E08 // Rofflenet Discussion regarding this mission can be found on Rofflenet Transcript IAN GOLIGHTLY: Are we rolling, Viv? Right, okay. Do you need some level from me? Let’s see, what did I have for breakfast this morning? Oh yes! The Minister sent in some rather lovely tins of pâté from Fortnum’s Warehouse! She is splendid, isn’t she, Viv? Alright, ready to go? Okay. Hello, and welcome to the Ministry of Recovery’s documentary strand, Behind the Zombies. Today, we’ll be combining a tell-all exposé with our regular calisthenics hour, so please use our music breaks to take your regular exercise. Remember, most zombie sieges last for fewer than seven days, and it’s important to keep active, whether that’s at home on the makeshift gymnasium on your roof, or by digging graves in the garden of your suburban semi. How was that, Viv? Not popping too much? Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper! Okay, good. ?, then. Today, listeners, we have a real treat for you. Recently, the Ministry exposed a crew of troublemakers, liars, and thieves, who’d been painting themselves as heroes. Today, we bring you the true story “behind the zombies” of the personalities and events of the once-beloved settlement that fell so low: Abel Township. Okay, and then we’ll put the music in here to get all those wonderful common people out exercising. No, I don’t want you to leave in “common people”. First rule of tabloid journalism: don’t insult your audience. Not too much, anyway. We are editing this before it goes out, aren’t we, Viv? IAN GOLIGHTLY: Welcome back, listeners! And I hope you’ve had a good warm-up to your Ministry-approved calisthenics workout. Before the break, I promised you the truth behind the goings-on at Abel Township over the recent months. We’ve taken eyewitness testimony and our award-winning Ministry drama team have brought key scenes to life, so you’ll all feel like you were really there when these shocking events happened. First, let’s start with one of the deadliest people in the post-apocalypse world. This is a person who has willingly endangered the lives of thousands, knowing that they were safe from harm. A person who is inexplicably obsessed with one other Abel Township resident. We had hoped that this person was dead, but recent reports indicate that they’re still alive and at large, listeners, so keep a sharp eye out for Sam Yao! ACTOR PLAYING SAM YAO: laughs Runner Five, Runner Four, come in. I need you to go back to the ice cream tower in central London. Yes, that one we blew up, yes. I know we told everyone that we were saving the world, but in fact we just wanted to uncover a vault full of advanced technologies buried under its basement. laughs As you know, I’ve been drawn to a life of crime for many years now. I am, after all, a cunning and ruthless person of immigrant extraction, although – in background IAN GOLIGHTLY: No, Viv, I don’t think it’s overwritten. In fact, I wrote it myself. Keep it playing. ACTOR PLAYING SAM YAO: Jody, Runner Four, are you receiving me? ACTRESS PLAYING JODY MARSH: giggles I’m ready for whatever you want me to do. ACTOR PLAYING SAM YAO: laughs Oh, you naughty girl. Love your eyepatch. ACTRESS PLAYING JODY MARSH: I can’t get enough of your goatee, Sam. ACTOR PLAYING SAM YAO: See, I wear a goatee because it’s an obscure reference to the kind of cultish television show I enjoyed. You’ve completed your mission, Jody? You’ve lead those zombies towards a civilian compound? IAN GOLIGHTLY: Alright, and a zombie growl here. zombie growl ACTRESS PLAYING JODY MARSH: They’re goners, Sam. giggles And when they’re all eaten up, you and me can go in and grab their stuff. ACTOR PLAYING SAM YAO: You are a bad girl. Now, let me tell you a secret, Runner Four, just between you and me. I have another name, and another role. Yes, when I was at university, I was known not as Sam, but Jerry. And you know why that is, don’t you, Jody? It’s because the leader of Netrophil is always called Jerry. Yes, I was the mastermind of the pre-apocalypse terrorist group. And since the zombie plague, I’ve teamed up with an old ally of mine. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Who could that be, listeners? What ally could this so-called Sam Yao be referring to? We’ll find out after your next calisthenics break. No, Viv, obviously I haven’t found any evidence that Sam Yao was ever called Jerry. Don’t you know anything about how the press works? And it has to be broad, that’s what people want! And sex sells, Viv. This is how you get people interested in your story. Just do a cut here. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Welcome back, listeners! And I hope you enjoyed a brisk stroll to the tunes we’re “laying down,” as the young people say. Or you could try some star jumps and running on the spot, if you’re currently besieged in the upstairs bedroom of a terrorist house in a northern town. Now, before the break, we heard a little about the life of Sam Yao, the treacherous operator of the conspiratorial collective known as Abel Township. Sam Yao has been confirmed as still alive and extremely dangerous, but luckily for us, some of the violent and terrifying individuals have already been brought to summary justice by loyal members of the Minister’s own private staff. And for this segment, we’ve got a treat in store. Some words from a person who knew one villainous traitor very well: ministry employee Amelia Spens. AMELIA SPENS: Oh yes, I was terrified of Janine De Luca. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Janine De Luca, who later styled herself Colonel De Luca and head of Abel Township. AMELIA SPENS: She used to stomp around Abel with that eyepatch and those skintight leather cat suits, using a whip on anyone who stepped out of line. … Wait, was that a dream I had? Oh, we can cut that bit out, can’t we? To be fair to Janine, I think she was just trying to maintain law and order. Abel wasn’t all bad, but… well, I realized shortly after I got there that all human decency had gone out the window, as it sometimes does in communities after the apocalypse. I tried to hold back some of her worst excesses. ACTRESS PLAYING JANINE DE LUCA: Tear this township apart until you’ve found those documents, and bring me the prisoners! I want them alive! whips AMELIA SPENS: Please, Lord – uh, Colonel De Luca, some of them are children. ACTRESS PLAYING JANINE DE LUCA: I have them now! whips AMELIA SPENS: I don’t want to paint this as worse than it was. She really did maintain discipline. There was very little strangulation. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Miss Spens is too kind! Janine De Luca was the mastermind behind the plan to discredit the Minister by painting her as the architect of the zombie plague. For we know now that it was De Luca herself who combined mad science with her sick fantasies to unleash the hell on earth we’re living through today. And now, a musical break. Don’t go away! IAN GOLIGHTLY: Welcome back! We’ve talked about some of the Abel Township personnel who combined the very worst aspects of humanity in a sick post zombie apocalypse death cult. They were determined to undermine the legitimate government of Britain. But to do that, they needed to win, as they say, “hearts and minds”. And for that, they needed some loveable personalities. ACTRESS PLAYING ZOE CRICK: Hello, Phil. ACTOR PLAYING PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, Zoe. Hello, citizens. ACTRESS PLAYING ZOE CRICK: How’s your cyber hacking going, Phil? ACTOR PLAYING PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, I’ve just managed to get into the Ministry files, planting incriminating evidence. Do you like that? ACTRESS PLAYING ZOE CRICK: I do like that! I’ve just been playing with this small furry animal. meows ACTOR PLAYING PHIL CHEESEMAN: What have you done to it? No, don’t tell me. It’ll be a surprise for me later. ACTRESS PLAYING ZOE CRICK: I love you! No, I hate you! ACTOR PLAYING PHIL CHEESEMAN: I hate you, too. But I secretly love you. ACTRESS PLAYING ZOE CRICK: I also love Jack and Eugene. ACTOR PLAYING PHIL CHEESEMAN: They love us both, too. ACTRESS PLAYING ZOE CRICK: I like to involve cats in our playtime. ACTOR PLAYING PHIL CHEESEMAN: The listeners are gripped by our interpersonal drama, aren’t they, Zoe? IAN GOLIGHTLY: Who could blame listeners for wanting to know what would happen next? And while we tuned in, week after week, we didn’t realize we were being fed propaganda of the worst sort! We’re going to play you a little more music now, and we’d encourage you to do whatever exercise you can, whether that’s going for a run, or nailing down some extra boards across your front door before night falls. We’ll be back in a moment. Actually no, Viv, I don’t think it’s unrealistic. I think it’s good drama. Besides, have you heard Phil and Zoe’s show? That’s exactly what they’re like! IAN GOLIGHTLY: The Minister’s given me this documentary to make, Viv, not you. Because she had to admit that Runner Five and Sam Yao were alive after that botched attack on Abel, so it’s time to make sure everyone knows the truth about them. So I’ll thank you to keep your views to yourself. Right, if that’s sorted? What have we got up next, Viv? Oh, bloody hell, yes. The interview with Veronica McShell. Is there anything usable in it? Oh God, I don’t know. Shall I just record an intro in case we can use anything? Yeah, okay. Rolling. Plucky Veronica McShell has been the scientific hero of the apocalypse, and her work brings us ever closer to a cure for the plague. I asked her what she made of the Abel’s lesbian doctors, Doctor Paula Cohen and Doctor Maxine Myers. VERONICA MCSHELL: I don’t see why you keep bringing in sexuality, Mister Golightly. And things being sexy isn’t necessarily evil, you know? Do you know? Also, you’ve said that two different women wore eyepatches. IAN GOLIGHTLY: So? Carry on about the doctors. VERONICA MCSHELL: Oh, yes. Doctor Cohen and Doctor Myers were good, clever, and helpful. I’m sorry… I’m sorry Doctor Myers is dead. IAN GOLIGHTLY: But didn’t they pressure you to perform experiments with them, Veronica? Experiments you weren’t comfortable with? Experiments you might not have been ready for? VERONICA MCSHELL: Um, no. We worked on a titration system at one point, which got a bit uncomfortable. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Oh, yes? Uncomfortable how? VERONICA MCSHELL: I had to hold the clamp stand steady for a long time, and my hand fell asleep. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Oh. Right. Anything else? VERONICA MCSHELL: I think they weren’t happy that I wanted to take some of their baby’s blood to run tests for the Minister. I wouldn’t have taken a lot of blood, though, or other tissue samples. Anyway, I’ve got it all, now. We’re getting some very interesting results. Sigrid – that is, the Minister – is very pleased. IAN GOLIGHTLY: God. Do you think we can salvage anything out of all that? Maybe we could piece together the bit where she says the names, and - VERONICA MCSHELL: Doctor Cohen and Doctor Myers were – a bit uncomfortable. – I’m sorry… I’m sorry… IAN GOLIGHTLY: Aw, fantastic! Viv, you’re a miracle-worker! Then, I can just say - Veronica McShell there, overcome with emotion. I think we can all read between the lines, listeners. We’ll be back after this calisthenic routine! IAN GOLIGHTLY: Alright, alright, nearly there. We’ll just put together a rough cut from these tapes and send it to the Minister for an okay, alright, Viv? I think it’s going to be a smash! This story’s got everything. We could turn it into a twenty part series. People would really go for it! What’s last on the slate? Oh yes. We’re almost finished for today, listeners, although there’s so much more we could tell you. But we wanted to leave you with some words you can trust from the most trustworthy man in Britain. He’s a man who spent time living at Abel Township and working alongside them. They fooled him for a long time. They could fool any of us! But now, he’s broken free, and he’s willing to tell us his story. He is our king, King Jamie the First of the United Kingdom. And then roll tape, Viv, just so I can hear it back. JAMIE SKEET: I’m not reading this. IAN GOLIGHTLY: For goodness’ sake, you can read the first line. JAMIE SKEET: “I’m King Jamie the First of the United Kingdom.” IAN GOLIGHTLY: Go on. JAMIE SKEET: “And I spent some time in Abel Township before the Ministry rescued me.” I’m not saying that! No one had to rescue me! IAN GOLIGHTLY: It’s five minutes out of your life, Jamie. Just do it, and this conversation is over. JAMIE SKEET: “I was taken in by Abel Township, as so many of us were. There’s no need to feel shame about being deceived. They were clever psychopaths who - ” No. I’m not saying it. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Viv, can you just leave me and King Jamie alone for a minute? Go outside, have a fag break or get some exercise. Put some music on your headphones, quite loud. We’ll just be a sec. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Alright then, we can start rolling again. Now, Jamie, where were you? JAMIE SKEET: I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hurt her again, please! IAN GOLIGHTLY: That’s right. It’s only a few little words, isn’t it? A few little words never hurt anyone. That’s what we always said on the daily exposé . Just think, as soon as they’re done, you can go back to your nice throne room and forget that any of this ever happened. JAMIE SKEET: You won’t get away with this forever. You can’t! IAN GOLIGHTLY: Just read the line. JAMIE SKEET: “I was betrayed by Abel Township. I was used by them. I didn’t understand what I was doing. I now know that they were the ones who started the - ” No. No! I can’t say that they started the zombie apocalypse. It’s just not true! IAN GOLIGHTLY: I’m afraid you already have, Your Majesty. JAMIE SKEET: What? What do you mean? IAN GOLIGHTLY: And that’s a wrap. You can work some magic with that, can’t you, Viv? Of course you can. Oh, we need a little tail on it. Right, how about - High and low across the land, all citizens of Britain and subjects of His Majesty are appalled by the actions of Abel Township. We can only express our gratitude to the Minister for taking over this hive of villainy and turning it into the kind of law-abiding community where even your humble presenter is happy to live and work. Oh yes, I do think that sounds rather good. Good work, Viv! Good work, Ian. I think we’ll get two Viscount biscuits with tea today, don’t you, Ian? Yes, I certainly do, Ian. Oh, the Minister’s going to be so pleased.Category:Mission Category:Season Five